I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
