He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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