Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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