I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
