she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
