had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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