Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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