Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
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