he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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