We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
