i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
