There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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