soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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