pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
