if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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