Did you just see the Batmobile???
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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