My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
