My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
