So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
