My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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