How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
