how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
