I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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