Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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