If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize
