I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
