Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
