Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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