I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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