When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
