i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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