Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
