Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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