Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
