So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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