i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
