I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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