i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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