I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
