He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
