I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
