i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
