I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
