Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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