I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
50% drunk capacity currently
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
