i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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