i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
