Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
