nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Sex in the backyard? Check.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
