So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
