Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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