i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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