you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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